i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
