I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
