Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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