All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
