I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
