I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
