saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
