I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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