remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
