the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
