I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
