My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
