the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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