Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
