I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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