im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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