i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
