I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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