Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
