I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
