You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
