My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Randomize
