When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
