Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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