You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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