Say something about gay babies.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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