Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
