Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
