I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
