My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
