Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
