Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
how does that bad decision feel?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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