tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
