I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
