You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
