It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
