ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
