I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
