I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
