They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
