I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
