so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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