I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I want to be your penis for a week.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
FUCK WHALES
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