that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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