I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
