I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
