If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
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