just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
