Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
