can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
