meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
