sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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